i keep carrying the ashes
by Spirit-Animal-Jade
Summary: Someday you'll fall madly in love and you'll have moved on without ever realising / Caroline's thoughts on that conversation, her ruined prom and the feelings she doesn't even want to admit to herself.


Fandom: TVD  
Pairing: Stefan/Caroline (will I ever write anything else?)  
Words: 2,588.  
Notes: Set after 4x19 Pictures of you, but Tyler and Klaus leave her disappointed.  
Summary: _She wanted to curl up and cry in secret at the men she couldn't have and the men who were supposed to love her but didn't turn up to show it, and be done with it all._

* * *

The night was a blow. Klaus's vintage dress lay crumpled in the corner of her room, it was eleven and she was already home, and the small part of her that had hoped, perhaps childishly, that Tyler would find a way to make it back for Prom, was currently fighting off the tears that threatened to spill over any second now.

She wouldn't allow herself to cry. She knew she was getting worked up over something petty and stupid, and it wasn't worth the salt in her tears to be this miserable on the evening of her prom, but she couldn't help it. Tyler was on the run, yes, but he _knew _how important this evening was to her. How many evenings she had spent as a teenager, imagining the perfect dress that would make the other girls cry with envy, the decorations down to the last balloon, the perfect date that would dance with her at midnight, so she could wrap her arms around their neck and seal it with a kiss.

The decorations had been flawless. Klaus's dress (although she didn't want to admit it) was far more beautiful than anything she could have imagined herself and fit her like a glove. But Tyler had been a no show and Klaus didn't even care enough to be there for her either. The last bit stung more than she thought it should. It wasn't that she seriously considered Klaus but he made her feel _wanted_ and pretty, but she was left knowing she looked knock out and having no one to impress. It would have been nice to be like every other girl there, with a date, having a happy, perfect _normal _dance. A chance to say goodbye to high school and that part of her life forever, properly, and with the least amount of bitterness and drama as possible. There was little drama, but Caroline had to admit defeat to the bitterness. She was plenty bitter that no-one, not one out of the many guys she was attached or was practically stalked by had bothered to try and make her night special.

She understood that in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't that important. Yes, it was high school prom, but most likely (if someone didn't get to her first) it probably wouldn't be the only one she'd be attending. Heck, she'd probably end up repeating the whole of high school in some small town upstate where no one knew her or got confused by her never ageing face. But it was the only real one, the only one that mattered, and it had _sucked_. Mostly.

She scoured her freezer for a pint of ice-cream, ready to indulge in a very thorough feeling-sorry-for-myself session and collapsed on the couch, already in pyjamas and already tuning out whatever crap she'd stuck the tv on to nothing more than background noise.

She crammed a spoonful into her mouth and swallowed, revelling in the cool sensation slipping down her throat. So she didn't need it, but it still felt and tasted kind of good. Besides, this is what _normal_ girls did when they got upset; ate their feelings away. And Caroline was all ready to jump aboard that train and try and forget the whole thing. The little voice in her head, however, niggled about whether or not she should be eating the icecream, and then her logic kicked in and she wondered if vampires could even get fat off human food. She'd have to ask Stefan later.

At the thought fo Stefan, Caroline paused the spoon halfway to her mouth. Okay so the evening hadn't lived up to her expectations, but when you lived life as Caroline Forbes, that was almost always impossible anyway She dreamed too much, expected way over what life could deliver and could never quite curb the constant disappointment that came with that. It was the way she'd always been, but she did her best to make sure she got as close to perfect, and her dreams, as possible. Tonight was no exception, and surprisingly the glimmer of what the night should have been full of, came from none other than the youngest Salvatore.

There was no denying that Stefan was beyond handsome, she'd know that since his first day of school, what with the whole blue jeans-James Dean look he had going on. And when she'd got to known him and discovered that with looks came a person determined to do good, a caring but deeply troubled boy behind the nonchalant exterior, she'd fallen just that little bit harder. But when her mind caught up with her heart, she'd quickly realised that dating Stefan Salvatore was something that should be reserved to daydreams and wishes on birthday candles. And she was fine with that, really. She'd learnt to accept it pretty early on and besides she had Matt, and then Tyler, and Stefan had and would always have Elena.

Of course they talked about Elena- she was all anyone could talk about these days. Elena and her psychotic transformation to head bitch in command. She was still bristling about the prom dress affair and Stefan swooped in and saved her before she did or said something she'd _really_ regret. His smile was easy and the quirk of his head was inviting and she tok his hand without even thinking about it. She hoped she had looked appreciative at his intervention.

What followed was a slice of perfect in an otherwise write off of an evening. Stefan's small smile and his hand wrapped around her waist, just the two of them swaying gently in time to the bittersweet ballad playing through the speakers, sharing the secrets of their sadly misled love lives.

It came easy, talking to Stefan. It always did, a comfortableness and a security within his arms.

"So how then, does anyone move on?"

She faltered. Stefan could find better people to ask this question of. She clung to lost loves like never really left her heart, not Matt, not the hope for Tyler, not the promise of redemption in Klaus. She was the worst for letting people go. She couldn't do it, and they all remained. Faded perhaps, but not gone. But it could be that was all Stefan was asking for anyway. For it not to hurt so bad.

Stefan leaned in closer and she found herself resting her chin on his shoulder, her chest pressed up against his, his cologne wafting over her skin. How could he talking of moving on when it was the one thing she'd never been able to achieve, no matter what she told herself or others, where he was concerned?

"I think that some day, you'll meet someone new and you'll fall madly in love, and you'll have moved on, without ever realising it." She found herself saying, smiling sadly into his neck.

Because no doubt that was what Stefan deserved, someone who would give the whole of themselves. Someone that would love each and every part of him, and hold him when he got scared and laugh with him when it was needed and push every fibre of her being into loving him.

Not an epic love maybe, but a balanced one. Devoted and kind and loyal and _fun_. The way love should be.

She pulled back, looking up into Stefan's face. His eyes were heavy, and he wished to believe her, she could tell. His eyes connected with hers and she so badly wanted to help him, was seconds away from reaching up and just pulling his lips down to hers. Not to mean anything as such, just a gesture to say_ I'm here, you can have this again, it'll get better, I promise_. She could've sworn he leaned in too, but rationality took over. She thought better of it, so she didn't. Stefan's lips flickered into a smile.

"Maybe."

The rest of the evening was a drag. She spent most of it with half an eye on Elena, making sure she wasn't subjecting anyone to being served as dinner, and the other on the lookout for Tyler, should he show his face. Neither happened and Stefan had all but disappeared, so she slipped off her high heels and drove home alone to mull the evening over and cut her losses.

Which brought her back to the pint of ice-cream in her hand that she suddenly didn't feel like eating anymore. She set it aside on the coffee table, ignoring that it was already melting, and switched the tv off. The silence was almost a relief and the though of crawling under the covers became increasingly inviting. Who knew what she'd dream about tonight? Although she could make a safe bet that both Tyler and Stefan would be haunting her dreams, their faces already etched onto the back of her eyelids.

She sighed and and glanced at the time. Eleven twenty and heading to bed constituted as officially pathetic. She got up anyway and crossed the hall to her bedroom, unpinning her hair as she walked. It tumbled down to her shoulders again, blonde and disarrayed and she tossed the grips onto her vanity table with a groan.

The sound of the doorbell chiming stopped her in her tracks. She stuck her head out of her bedroom door to peer down the hallway to the front door. The drapes partially obscured what was definitely a guy in a tux standing on her front porch.

She padded down the hall and unlatched the door, opening it a crack, always wary.

"Caroline, hi."

"Oh," What was Stefan doing here? Wasn't he meant to be getting out of town, moving on with his life, meeting the mysterious 'someone new' she had mentioned? But there he was, on her front door step, leaning into the door frame, a lazy smile crossing his features. "Hey Stefan. What are you doing here?"

"Just making sure you got home safely. I didn't see you leave and what with all the crazy stuff around here..."

She smiled at his concern and shrugged. "I'm fine. Just y'know, felt like calling it a night."

"You want to talk about it?"

She shook her head. Half of what was running through her mind she could never say to Stefan and the rest was silly and inconsequential. She'd already promised him that she wasn't girly little Caroline anymore.

"I'm okay. I think I'm just gonna head to bed, to be honest."

"At eleven thirty?" Stefan raised his eyebrows and she grimaced.

"Shocking, I know." He laughed, a small chuckle and she smiled back at him. "Well, goodnight Stefan."

She went to start closing the door but his hand caught the frame and stopped her. He glanced down at his feet and the back up at her.

"Wait. I've been thinking about what you said, and..."

"And?" She frowned and opened up the door again, trying to read Stefan's face to see what he was trying to say. As usual he'd got that broody pout going on, but there was uncertainly between the lines in his forehead and shining in his eyes.

"And, you really think I can do that? Move on from Elena, meet someone new, like it's the easiest thing in the world?"

She sighed and gestured for him to come in. They walked to the siting room and she removed the pot of liquid ice-cream with a blush and settled on the couch. He continued to stand.

"Well?"

"Nothing's easy. Stefan." Nothing has been easy for her since she turned, and God knows Stefan knows it's not easy, living and loving as a vampire. So why is he asking? "But I think you can do whatever you want to do. I mean, you're you. Anything is possible, right?"

He quirked his head like he didn't believe her and she shrugged. He quoted her words back at her.

"I'll have moved on without ever realising it?"

What was the purpose of all this? Her head was beginning to swim and she wanted to curl up and cry in secret at the men she couldn't have and the men who were supposed to love her but didn't turn up to show it, and be done with it all. But here she was helping Stefan understand that he could do better, would do better than Elena.

She nodded. He sort of nodded back at her and closed his eyes. He was still stood in his tux, although he'd abandoned the coat and pushed the sleeves of the white shirt underneath up to his elbows and loosened his tie. He looked gloriously scruffy, just on the right side of disordered, she couldn't help noticing. He always did scrub up well. But it was wrong, so wrong that he was here in her house talking about moving on and all she could think about was how attractive he looked standing by the window with his eyes shut.

"Stefan, are you okay?"

His eyes flew open and he looked at her. Like, really looked at her, and she had the odd feeling of having her soul stared into or something. Eventually he smiled.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay." There was conviction in his voice. "I think I'm going to be okay."

His genuine smile took her off guard, so used to seeing feeble attempts at being happy cross his face, but she was relieved.

"Well, umm, okay. I think I'm gonna go to bed. You can have the spare room, if you want it? Like if Damon and...everyone else is at the boarding house? Mom's not home till late, and she won't mind. She probably won't even realise you're here," she admitted.

"That's fine. Thank you Caroline."

His acceptance surprised her. She thought he'd leave and continue to agonise over her advice elsewhere, no matter what she offered. So it disconcerted her when he agreed. She stood up and placed a hand on his arm, looking up into his eyes.

"I promise you, it will happen," she said. Because she didn't believe anything else. There would be love in his future, she was sure of it. Some nameless, faceless girl sticking by his side though thick and thin. She felt a little resentment towards this unknown woman that had so certain of a future, with the man she loved. Her future in the long run was anything but certain.

Stefan smiled and ducked his head to place a kiss on her hair line. A light touch of his lips that sent a shiver down her spine. She bit her lip and pulled away.

"Just a warning, I wake up early. Like super early, but don't feel like you have to get up because of me or anything."

"So do I, so maybe I'll have breakfast ready."

She raised her eyebrow. "Bunny blood or pancakes?"

He laughed, the corner of his eyes crinkling, a sight she loved seeing.

"Both," he replied. "Good night Caroline," he said again, trailing a light hand down her back before walking up the hall to the spare room. She decided it was accidental.

She stared after him before climbing in to bed at long last, thinking about her friend lying feet away from her, thinking about the rare sound of his laughter and hoping that she'd hear it more. Thoughts of Tyler were banished for a while and only Stefan's face appeared behind her eyelids before she finally fell asleep, happier, but more confused than she was when she arrived home.


End file.
